okay this is hilarious so i decided to do two posts today. READ LOL. i chanced upon it in a random blog .-.

The ultimate bad thing that happened to me today is that when I crossed a road, a chicken actually crossed it with me. I was feeling very pissed coz I dun feel like sharing a human road with a filthy chicken. I mean, how often do u see chickens cross the road? I am totally sway.

While the chicken and I were waiting for the lights to turn green, I decided to make small talk to the chicken. U would never know when public relations can make ur life better. It is better to know more contacts, even if it was just a chicken.

I asked the chicken: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

The chicken stared at me vindictively.

It chuckled (as in chicken chuckle, not laugh): "WTF do u humans keep asking me this? Why dun u answer me this first? Why did the chewing gum cross the road?"

I told her I dun give a damn as to why the chewing gum crossed the road.

She pecked me on my shin and said I am damn self centred to only care about myself.

She answered me why the chewing gum crossed the road although I did not ask:

"Coz it is stuck to the chicken's feet! And thats why I am crossing the road! To try to scrap it off!"

I told her "You can just ask me for help, bird brain!"

She told me chickens have their dignity too, and crossed the road without me, with her tail feathers high up in the air. She gave me a last cocky face and *splat* went the chicken. It got knocked down by a SBS bus number 42! Its lungs sprayed all over my new montagut shirt. How wonderful.

I am a very unlucky man.
The ultimate unlucky thing that happened to me yesterday was that when I was crossing the road, a Platypus waddled up to me, and stood beside me.

I glared at it.

It ignored me. In fact, it was just standing there, looking at the green light patiently in a dignified manner.

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I ALWAYS MEET STUPID ANIMALS WHEN I AM CROSSING THE ROAD?! First it was a chicken, and then it was a donkey, and now, a PLATYPUS??!

I continued glaring at it.

I mean, it is RUDE of the platypus to stand there, like it is an equal to men! I don't care what stupid female environmentalists are saying about this, but I don't want to share my human road with a smelly platypus!

Come to think of it, I think this platypus is not local. Maybe it is a REFUGEE!!!! Anyway, it must be, must be, an illegal immigrant! Wait till I catch it, then I shall sell it to the zoo WAHHAHAHA maybe police because it is a refugee platypus!!

How do I start how do I start... If I just jump clean on top of it to try to pin it down, it must get offended and peck me with its beak. The beak looks flat and vicious.

I better do small talk.

"Hi Mr Platypus," I said in my best jaunty voice. Sounds a little like an elephant farting.

"Yo mate!" the ugly Platypus replied, nonetheless.

Definitely Australian, I told myself. Quick, think of something Australian to say!


"Say, is that Billabong you are wearing then, mate?"

"WTF?"

"Eh, I mean, did you watch Miss Universe, Australia won yeah? Pretty."

"Yeah the Oz won. Mind you, that Kangaroo was so cocky when he saw me. Cocky Kangaroo! Kangarooy cock! Ha ha ha ha ha."

He begin to laugh deeply at his own joke.

"Eh, so you not Australian?" I asked.

"Insulted mate! I'm from the great Britian! I am from the land of the wrinkly Queen! And I am proud to be a British platypus! Mind you, we have Harry Potter, and Enid Blyton and Beckham! What more does a nation want?"

"Well, we have char siew and chicken rice ... "

"I don't understand what you are talking about, mate, are you mocking me? I may be a platypus, a British one mind you, but I am not stupid! Say, do you want to cross the road with me?"

"Eh no."

The platypus looked scandalised. "WHY?" he screamed in a high pitched voice, not unlike a platypus would.

"Eh ... " How can I tell him gently that I don't wanna cross the road with a filthy platypus like him, and I also want to catch him to sell him to the zoo?

"Eh eh eh you great prude, speak up!", he said, breaking my thread of thought.

"Don't imitate me!"

"Well you did speak that way, mate! Say, while you take such a long time to decide what to make up your speech off, could you help me take a photo? Of me standing right here leaning on this lovely fire extinguisher here? There there, lovely."

He handed me a wet camera. WTF?? Why is his camera wet? Is he supposed to come out of the water anyway??



Stupid platypus.

It's time to act.

"Would you like to play catching with me? I'll run after you with a giant net and see if I can catch you, how's that?"

"Sure thing mate! Sounds fun!"

I pulled out a giant butterfly net out of no where and caught the stupid platypus in a jiffy.

"HA YOU STUPID PLATYPUS!" I announced in triumph. "THATS FOR BEING A REFUGEE IN SINGAPORE! I SHALL SELL YOU TO THE ZOO!"

"You kid me not, human," the refugee platypus actually shrieked in laughter.

"WHATS SO FUNNY!"

"Well first of all, I am not a refugee, I am an expatriate. And secondly, I've been in Singapore for years! YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT LIE ABOUT SELLING ME TO THE ZOO? You tink I'm a kid? 'Ah girl, you don't finish your porridge mommy sell you to the zoo then you know yadda yadda" nonsense is too commonly used as a threat! I am not scared!" said the expatriate platypus in a horrible smirking manner.

"Eh, you are not a refugee?" I asked tentatively.

"That's right! Now get me out of this net please."

"NO! I still can sell you to the zoo and earn some money! And a talking expat platypus! Wait till the SPGs hear about this, they will swarm to the zoo in flocks! HWAHAHAHAH I AM A GENIUS!"

The platypus stared at me, and promptly chewed his way through the net to freedom.

I looked on in horror, then it hit me:

"HEY I just realised you were pretending when you said you don't understand what is char siew or chicken rice! LIAR! BLUFF ME!"

"Well," the (sexy) expat platypus said, "I don't like that stuff. Anyway, you have offended my rights as a platypus, as horrid as my name sounds with platy and pus inside, but that's not the point. The point is, I am gonna peck you to death if you cannot answer this question of mine:


Besides the platypus, what is the other mammal that lays eggs?


Okay that part didn't make sense. ending a story with a question. and then the next part of the story is about a donkey and a lot of bad words plus crtiscm so i shall continue it!

The ultimate bad thing that happened to me today is that when I crossed a road, a donkey was actually standing there, with his two legs, wearing a cap, acting like a typical human. i felt really pissed because i couldn't believe that a filthy animal like a donkey could cross the road with me.

i mean after all im a human and a donkey is a donkey. i am not a donkey because i am a human. how could they allow a donkey to cross the road on where i was crossing?

i really did not want him to cross on the same road as me, but what could i exactly do.

just as the green man turned green, the donkey came and tapped me on my back.
"yo pal. could you tell me the way to ang mo kio?"

at this point, i really wanted to punch him. ang mo kio was where i lived and a pathetic donkey was coming to where i lived? no way! that was degrading myself as if a donkey was no better than me. a donkey belongs to the zoo and thats it.

so i brought the donkey to the mrt. i really wanted to lead him to mandai station then someone would spot him and he would end up being caged. Except he seemed really smart.
"hey pal, isn't that ang mo kio, why are we heading towards bedok?"
im sure were on the green line.

"nonono just follow me, don't worry."
i knew i had to continue a conversation in order to keep him from noticing that we were travelling to mandai. so i asked him
"so where do you come from?"

"oh im a local. i like the chicken chops they sell here man."

"and, what do you work as?"

"im a hunter."

jeee this is getting retarded. i was actually talking to a donkey who claimed he was a hunter. that means he hunted himself? well, anyway, the train arrived at mandai. i told him to walk straight, turn left, turn right, then left and left again and then just walk straight and he would reach ang mo kio. then i dashed off to the next mrt back to ang mo kio.

just as i was about to board, i noticed that my phone was missing.
don't tell me that that filthy donkey took it? no way.
that was the most ultimate bad thing that happened to me that day.


yay i ended the last part. hahahaa. damn hilarious.

today i saw my dog throwing his toy up in the air.
"hey dude, careful your toy doesn't break yo."

"don't worry mate, i have perfect catching skills. as you mention it, i might as well take a nap. hold on. i smell a smell. i smell a smell that smells. i smell a smell that smells funny."

the worst part of it all was that he started sniffing me.
"no pal, im not the smelly one. i think its you."

i could not stand it. this filthy dog was telling me that i was smellier than him. i better go and buy another bottle of detol.

now how do you spell detol. is it detol. doesn't look right. ._.

okay end of today and today.
<3 snips and scissors.